She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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