You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
