i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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