I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
