so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
