She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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