just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
