My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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