tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
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This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
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She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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