I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
