I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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