Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
