three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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