He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
