can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize
