you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
