you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You took a bar mat shot.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
