nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
