Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
