Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
