I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
