I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
