i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize