U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
