well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
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u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
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I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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