His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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