My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
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That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize