haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
