I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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