Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
