dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
