I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
