Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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