He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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