i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
