Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
