I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
