I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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