I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
