You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
