I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
The air taste purple.
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