The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
