we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
