Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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