I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
