i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
