so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
