I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
