if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
