College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I love you. Go after that dick
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
