I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
