ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
