Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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