I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
