when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
