I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
