god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize
